Finding Myself

I'm just laying on my bed letting my mind open as wide as it wants to. All my thoughts just waiting to be released. I'm trying not to become desperate for company.

One thing that is hard to admit is that this senior project has been challenging my characteristics. A man true character is shown in times of struggle. This project requires more consistency in everything you do. I claim to be consistent because I feel like I am. To be consistent in everything is very difficult. I never really had a problem keeping up with things so this is new to me. I feel lost in my mind. I'm not sure what to think right now. I really want to stop blaming things on all the work I get because I can't sit here and bitch about all the work I'm going to get in my career.

This is why I've been challenging myself. Am I really consistent? Can I come through on my part at every moment in which I'm needed? Do I have to perfect for this to be possible? Or can someone who make mistakes be as consistent as a machine that doesn't malfunction?

Through everything I know that the one thing I have to do is strive. Not only beating the streets to make it home everyday but beating my body to be emotionally able to work hard at the gym when I push weights or at the table when I move the pen. The biggest question that I have in my mind has to be: "Will this get easier?" I've seen easier, I've experienced easier but I haven't had faith in easier, only hope. Somehow I have made it to thois point, it's just that I often come think of the question, "What to do next?" Not all the time you will have someone there telling what the next thing to do is. Usually you get that answer by being smart. Not book smart but life smart. Sometimes as people you just have to know what to do next and I feel like I been coming to that question a lot lately. All I know is that I have this project to be done, but most of the time I do get lost and ask myself that question.

I guess I been doing good though because I'm alnost done with my research project and all I have to do is get the interviews done then keep going to the dojo and gym for the rest of the year. Sounds easy, feels stressful. If I had one wish I would wish for things to continue to the way they have been going so far. Even though it's been tough for me. It's been teaching me a lot and making me challenge myself. I'm starting to believe that this is the purpose of life.